Still crazy

I mentioned a crazy plan the other day. It's still too crazy to talk about, but I'm becoming more comfortable about it. I call it a "crazy plan" because, well, no one in their right mind would even think of doing it. The thing is that it's a decision I can make. The more I think about it the more I realize that I have to make this decision.

I can't remember the last time I've made a decision. I make little ones, like what I'm going to eat, but even those are under pressure right now. That's part of the crazy - this isn't a little decision, this will change the course of my life.

If you have read any of my posts, you know that I know care much for my current life. It needs a course change. Some people forget that on the road of life you are the driver and you can always change course. Right now I know exactly where I'm headed, and many people would just live with it and say that's how things have to be.

I can't. I honestly can't. I've been stressing out so much about how I can't get a job I was having trouble sleeping. Now that's I've resolved to make this decision I'm... serene. I have a purpose.

You don't know how amazing it feels to wake up in the morning and have something to do, something that doesn't involve staring at your computer hoping that it's going to tell you that the perfect job is available to reject you.

When you've been unemployed as long as I have been you have trouble getting to sleep, then can't wake up. You feel guilty because you are failing at a simple task in life. You can't remember the days of the week and each time a Friday comes around you look back and realize that you did nothing last week. Okay, you sent out that one resume, that no one will look at, that no one will consider. You tell yourself that you need to check the boards again, because it's Friday and you haven't checked since Tuesday. One new posting. You don't qualify, It's not even in your area of interest really, but you wish you could apply, just to make you feel better. You check other job boards, ones that rarely have updates. They don't have anything either. You Google search and you've clicked all of the links already. You try again with the same result.

Then you cry yourself to sleep, if you're lucky. If you aren't you start to look at your future and where it's headed, a dead end. You can't get to sleep and you start to think "I would do anything just to be able to sleep" and if you're lucky, you scare yourself and you change your course. Veer around and turn in the middle of the road. It doesn't matter if you disturb others - this is about you. This is about the cliff you're dangerously near, it's about the dead end you see in sight.

I'm desperate. I have to do this.
-X