I'm getting depressed.

I still haven't heard back from that theatre and every day it becomes less likely that they will call me for an interview. I don't really know why. I admit I'm not the best at what I do, but you're not going to get the best for most of these jobs.

I'm thinking back to my previous post and really wishing that I could get my chance. I want to fuck up. I'm so tired of being unemployed, and it's getting to the point where I might not be able to find part-time work. Did you know that unemployment is actually nearing Great Depression era levels? Not the number you hear on the news, the real number, which is calculated differently. Like whether or not you count part-time workers.

My student loans can be deferred as long as my employment isn't full-time. That's defined as 30 hours a week, for three months. Most jobs won't offer you that immediately. I remember in December how my paychecks kept being so low, it felt like all of my work was for nothing, but what it really was, was that my schedule was screwed up a couple of times. I got one "full" paycheck. It was awesome to have some money. I'm almost out of it.

The first thing I spent it on was Christmas presents. Yeah, I only had money coming in for that month, and I bought presents for people. I'm silly like that. I'm looking at my online banking right now, and 20% of my expenses this month is my $10 donation to Screnzy. I'm overly generous.

So as I type this I'm trying to put together a traditional resume. I don't like traditional resumes because theatre experience doesn't translate well into it. I have a decent theatre resume (available upon request) that fills a page out nicely, but you can't really count everything separately on a traditional resume. I was having a discussion with my aunt and uncle about this last year. They didn't believe me when I said how you format a theatre resume.

You don't have an objective on a theatre resume. You don't have a summary. I was looking for examples last year after that discussion and my favorite was one that listed at least one hundred shows in size 8 font and had the USA829 stamp on it, because that was it needed. It said "I've done many shows and I'm in the union. I'm qualified". I have to be a bit more specific, but all theatre resumes follow that tone.

I'm just so tired of worrying about if I can find a job. It saps my strength and it ruins my enjoyment of other things.

My eyes hurt. I should sleep.

Are they allergies?

Or tears...

I'm also a liar.

So you know how I ended the last post by saying that I would get to sleep at the right time and get up at a decent hour. That was a bunch of lies.

For some reason I have been having a terrible time getting to sleep. I might be thinking to much when I'm trying to fall asleep. Instead of normal fantasies, I now seem to require a beginning, a middle, and an end. The good part is in the middle and I draw out the end forever. Guess there is a downside to NaNo.

Today, after I finally woke up, I got this idea that I should start playing with my camera more often. I think this a lot. I got the idea by watching Shane Dawson TV last night instead of sleeping and thinking that any idiot with a camera could do that. Difficulty - I'm not anywhere as good looking as Shane Dawson (who I should mention is one of the people younger than me who are much more successful). Also that fucks with the anonymous dealie that I'm working with.

So that is delayed until I lose fifty pounds and regrow my hair. Which might actually happen one day.

Until then I'm going to try working on pseudo-public speaking. Maybe I'll podcast. some of the cool kids are doing that, right? If nothing else I want to get use to hearing my own voice. Just messing around today I felt like I need to speak more so that I start speaking clearly.

I rarely talk. If you let me start, I never shut up, but it's actually fairly rare that I start talking in the first place. And that inability to continue speaking for more than two minutes is the reason I will never win American Idol.

I would normally say that I'd never actually do this, but I also never thought I would blog for a year, or write a novel, or write a script, or...

No, that's it.
-X

Better.

Hey, look! I fixed the logo so that it doesn't look stupid. Now the ads stand out too much. Shit.

I've been busy, surprisingly. I haven't even been doing anything. It's kind of cool, in a sad way, that you can do that. I'm waiting anxiously for a response from one of the places that I applied to. I really, really, really want that job. I've already decided that if I don't get it (and to leave myself an out "there are no similar opportunities available") I'm going to take some dinky retail job. I don't want to, I might not even be able to, but I have a great need of money. Couple months and I'll be able to move out, whether or not that is a good or bad thing.

Outside of that, I'm driving for pleasure, because it's better than being cooped up in the house all day long and considering how much time I spend in my house it's amazing that I haven't gone mad. I have that spring urge to go outside and I succumb to that urge at least every other day. Plenty of things I need to do on my computer or in my room, but I don't feel like it. Also, I broke down and did some of it last night.

I'm still exercising, but I'm taking a break from two hundred sit-ups. My body isn't able to repair and/or expand that fast, and I'm not sure how healthy the program really is. At some point you just start hurting yourself through over exercise.

Also going strong on Screnzy. It seems easier than novelling, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I do miss description a bit.

I'm going to sleep proper like tonight.

That's kind of depressing

I am exercising right now. I believe in breaks in between sets. Long breaks, or at least long enough to let my muscle stop bitching. Anyway I set up my computer to tell me what I needed to do today and started with my sit ups and it was stupid hard. I knew I was behind, but this was too hard. So I check the date for my last time - Friday - that means I completely skipped a workout without a thought. Which means today is going to really hurt.

I don't know what it is about two days that makes it the perfect amount of time to wait for your muscles to get better, or why waiting any time over that makes you want to kill yourself. It just does.

What's really bugging me is that I thought I was still on track because I was still sore from the last round, which was a repeat because I had difficultly on the previous round. I really meant to stretch yesterday but now it is too late. This program seems to have a severe difficulty curve. My body us having trouble adjusting to the change in demands. I still shake with the first sit ups, they steady after I warm up, but everyone is extremely difficult. Wasn't it suppose to get easier as you went on?

Last night, I was looking up how to massage myself. I was hoping for suggestions like directional motions, or tips for certain muscles, but all I could find were several very obvious "how to" articles. They literally said things like, "oil hands and rub body". That is not useful. Clearly it's a conspiracy from the masseur union.

Well, I lived through it. Pray for my muscles.
-X

I'm an ADD idiot

So you might have noticed that the pretty layout that I used to have is kind of gone.

You see I use Blogger "In Draft" so that I have a spellcheck on my posts and so I can have pages. The other day that opened up customizable layouts, for those of us who don't want to learn the ins and outs of programming for Blogger. I was really excited and started playing with it because the old layout didn't have big enough sidebars for anything, they were just an odd size.

So after playing for awhile I saved. Then I remembered that I had to add the Analytics code again, and soon I have fix the title image. Too much f-ing trouble. I'm busy with finishing my current writing project, starting Screnzy, hopefully having interviews that require a great deal of traveling, my niece/nephew being born, and I'm sure more shit will pop up.

So long March, you sucked. April, show March how it's done.
-X

(I've been listening to music again...)