Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bad anniversary

One year ago yesterday I graduated. I'm still unemployed and living at home. To say that I'm not comfortable with this situation is an understatement. I've not lost significant weight, though I have started exercising and my wrist is as fixed as it's going to get.

I'm trying to not get depressed.

I have a plan prepared for this eventuality even though I don't like it. In fact I hate it. Go back to retail.

When I think of going back to retail I think of a friend of mine that I worked with a few summers ago. She graduated in December, when theatre are not really hiring. She couldn't go to the theatre conventions because she didn't have the money, so she ended up waitressing for a year and a half after getting her degree. She was comfortable and was making decent money after working that long.

I've said it before, I don't want that. But even as I say that I have gotten comfortable, especially during the winter when no one wants to go outside. My life for the past year has been easy, too easy. I run through books like nobodies business, I go to movies often, I eat free food. I travel to several places for free (none of the places I'd like to go and look for jobs, god forbid I get to go there!), but in the end there is guilt. I'm not giving back to society and I looks at my long term goals and I find myself lagging far behind.

I look back now and think that I should have gotten a job months ago, but it's looking back. I call it optimism. I refused to believe that I was going to be unemployed after looking for three months. I refused to believe that I would still be living in my parent's house for more than three months. I keep hoping that the resume I sent out last week will be the one that lands me a job. I couldn't commit to another job, because another job, closer to my dream job might be out there. I think my parent's are more understanding now then they were, but the one thing that really cheers me up is when I talk to someone my age having the same trouble. I don't have any friends, it stopped hurting to say that years ago, so I don't have someone to talk to about this, or even someone I can talk to. I hid in my room for days because I can't take the conversations my parent's have. I written some of them before, same conversation a dozen times to people who have already heard it.

I cheer myself up though. There are things that I've done that I couldn't have done if I had been working. Last November I wrote the first draft of a novel. It needs heavy editing, but I wrote over 50,000 words. Did I mention that I failed high school writing? I wrote a second one, a longer one, the beginning of this year and in April I wrote a screenplay. I want to write another and I want to edit my first. I never thought I would actually want to edit my first novel, it's just so bad at points.

It proved to me that I can do things that I set my mind to and I've set my mind to something and I will get it. I still believe that my parents are being over protective of me. I debate talking about it to them, but will they answer differently now?

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