Having a Life

I haven't been posting as much as I once did. Moaning about how much everything sucks hasn't been as  much of an issue as it used to be, so being here isn't as important. I like to think that now I have a life, as I suggested in my last GOALS post back nearly a year ago.

Since I make those goals, I got a job. Not one that pays enough or uses my abilities enough, but a job nonetheless. I need another job or a better job. This is fact and cannot wait another day to happen. I need it now. I don't think I've made it clear my situation on this blog, but I am very, very poor. I don't want to talk about that, which is another reason I don't post here as often as I would like. Some things, like reviewing books and movies, requires me to see or read them first, and I can't go out to do that as soon as something comes out. I think I may be the only geek left that hasn't seen The Avengers yet. I waiting to see it for free.

I haven't lost weight. I lost some when I first started work, but I regained it when my hours were cut during the off-season. I am stupidly fat, possibly the fattest I have ever been. I refuse to continue to be fat.

I want to keep writing but more importantly I want to make what I have written better so that I might be able to make a profit off of it. My way of looking at hobbies is something I would be happy spending the rest of my life doing. That's why I majored in theatre instead of business. I could write for the rest of my life and I would be happy.

So here we are:

• Get a life
• Get another (better) job
• Become fit
• Exercise
• Lose weight
• Write
• edit an already written work
• write a low budget screenplay

Time to get to work

I nearly have a job. A job job. In my field. I've been trying to get away from these posts where I whine. No one wants to hear me whine. As it is I removed the Employment tag from my cloud on the sidebar because it was so big that I would never have another topic as large since almost every post was tagged that for awhile. I stopped with the employment and lack of money posts but kept on writing in here occasionally.

I attempted to write more interesting things rather than random mundane rants, problem quickly became that I didn't have time to say, see a movie and then review it, or another event. I have actually seen some movies and events, I just haven't had the time to write about them.

I would like to do that some more. I should take notes about what I should write about so I can put it on here. It would be a good way to maintain my ability to critique the arts.

Anyway, I will hopefully have the time and money to devote more time to writing stuff for this blog in the future. I miss it a little bit, but I always look at being unable to work on it as a good sign that I have better things to do than sit around blogging.
-X

Long overdue GOALS post

So apparently I never recreated my GOALS post for 2011. I can see why, I've been busy living in a new state on the other side of the country that is beautiful and warm all year round and because I've been trying to steer this blog away from me just bitching. 'Cause no one wants to read that.

The previous post I made was Dec 31, 2009 for the year 2010 and here is what I wrote

But this is a traditional time to make GOALS so here it goes.
-Reach my goal weight of 175 lbs. I should be able to do this by the end of March at the earliest, by the end of the year at the latest.
-Get a job in theatre. Obvious. Perhaps I'll be less picky.
-Participate in Script Frenzy [2010]. 100 script pages in the 30 days of April. Like NaNo but with more dialogue.
-Get a home. Directly attached to the job part. Hopeful, very hopeful.

 I should also add this other one I picked up as I  passed the year.

I need to get a life.

 So that is five things on the list.

I haven't lost much weight, but at the moment I am living in my car and eating only two meals a day. If this doesn't cause me to lose weight nothing will.

I currently have a very low paying job in theatre. It's something but at this point I just want work so that I can stop worrying about money.

I did participate and win Script Frenzy in 2010. I also became an ML (local event coordinator) for 2011. I completed Nano 2010 as well. Doing this I discovered that I like writing a lot. I got terrible grades in English when I was in school which discouraged me from telling stories and I am extremely thankful to Nanowrimo for helping me get over years of pessimistic teachers. Overall I have discovered that I enjoy screenwriting better than noveling. I'm probably just more familiar with the format with my college education in theatre.

As posted above, I'm living in my car right now with all my worldly possessions. I would really like a place that I can get comfortable and stay for awhile. Sadly, you need money for that. I'm definitely working hard towards this goal.

For other GOALS I am creating, I want to write another screenplay so that I might be able to get representation. One that doesn't have a metric shit ton of required special effects, because I won't get a shit ton of effects for my first sold script.

• Get a life
• Get a job
• Get a home
• Become physically fit
• Exercise
• Lose weight
• Write more
• Write a novel in November
• Write a low budget screenplay

That makes a very pretty list doesn't it?
-X

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff

Huh, what happened to the last month? That was officially the first month I did not post a single blog for. Scary, though I'm not sure it's scary because I didn't post or because it's been nearly two, no three years? Of course I haven't written very much this year so far. I just checked and realized that I'll be posting a  200% increase today versus the rest of the year also known as January.

So what am I doing?

I am still unemployed. I am staying with a friend for a while. I'm planning on writing two scripts this month before I write my Screnzy script in April. Oh, by the way I'm a Municipal Liaison for Screnzy now. Basically I'm a local volunteer that tries to make the madness of Screnzy a little less so for the rest of the participants.

I've been doing 750words.com which is probably the time I would be writing for this blog. I am sick of it because the timing that is kind of interesting for the purpose of discovering how fast you write begins to get annoying as you get into the seventy day streak. Yesterday I used Ispum Lorem so that I could use the time to work on my scripts. A big difficulty with the site that some of us have noticed is that there is another step to writing call revision and editing. I might not be writing something new but I don't need to be if I am still working on a writing project. Because of that I'm probably going to quit the site before the end of the month, once I have reached one hundred days and have the phoenix badge. Cause phoenixes are cool.

Well that is about all that has been happening to me recently. Hopefully I will post again soon.

That's kind of embaressing

And by 'that' I mean when you look at your blog and realize that you haven't updated it in a month. Nearly a month. Close enough to a month.

In this past month I have been doing 750words.com and am on a 44 day streak. That's a lot of days. I can't believe I've done it, that I was able to think of things to write or that they made sense. As it is I haven't written today and after that one terrifying attempt to blog via that site I am not trying again. Of course today I could write that much without difficulty because it's been so long since my last post.

I started to edit my Nanowrimo 2010. It's hard work and I am often bored of it. Instead I showed my Script Frenzy 2010 to my writing group and got feedback on it. They like it. They say it's marketable. It's so close to salable that I can taste it. I should be working on it more, but as usual I am distracted.

On a similar note Screnzy is rolling around again in April and I am going to be writing the sequel to my first. I always hate the people that talk about writing a sequel before they finish the first, or sell the first, or have actually contemplated the first. They do that on the forums. It's almost as annoying as complaining about not having an idea two months before the event. Now I am one of those people.

I still don't have a job. I am staying with a friend for free, which is nice but I do want to be able to at least assist with some bills after a while. I don't like taking charity. Honestly I am surprised that I am able to be her comfortably as I am.

The only thing I really need to do still is I have to lose some weight. I want to fit back into my clothes and I want to look better, but as happens when I get busy I don't pay attention to Calorie-count. Putting that website on my radar always seems to make me feel like I have too much time that could be spent elsewhere.

Anyway. I just read two books at a rapid pace and am playing a video game I shouldn't have bought and barely runs on my laptop.

In the next day or so I will be updating my GOALS because I realize I haven't. I messed with the numbers the other day but they need a post to go with them.
-X

Leasing agents suck

I wish I could say that I'm happily in a new apartment but that isn't the case. Part of the problem is the leasing agents. They don't seem to understand that their job it to sell these apartments. They're impossible to get a hold of, know little about the property, and don't offer to answer questions or even applications for the apartments.

So I would really like to have a place by the end of the week if reality doesn't fight against it. Find a place, convince the leasing agent to actually give me the proper paperwork for it.

Why does this need to be so complicated?

Need a job still too, but that doesn't cost me $400 for every week I don't have it. For some reason I keep being optimistic about the job thing. There will be one next week, winter season is starting, I can find one close to where I get an apartment, etc.

I still won't take just anything. You have to have limits on what you'll take, and maybe what I need is an employer that understands that.

-X

Bad week was bad.

How bad can a week get?

Last week I had an interview, or I thought I did. It was a pre-interview. All I discovered is that they don't pay enough to live in Los Angeles. Before my interview I was looking at apartments. Some of the people there gave me odd looks for wearing a suit - there goes that place.

I looked at another the day after and it was not as advertised. I understand the concept of a studio apartment, but how can you live without at least a stove? Every day or so I look at rooms for rent, but they usually cost the same for an entire apartment. They must be amazing rooms.

So no work and no home... still. How is this any worse than every other week?

I also finally broke my laptop. $800 dollars later I have a new laptop, but it was a lot of stress that I didn't need right now. Also my computer can now actually play games. That's bad.

After that I kind of decided the week was just fucked. Didn't even try for the rest of it. What I did do was work on my screenplay from Script Frenzy. I even I bought a book to help me. Do I get extra points for distractions?
-X

Interesting

So the madness is still going full steam ahead, for the moment at least.

Part of the plan creates a feasible chance that this blog will become know to people, so I should check my archives to see if I insulted anyone. Sadly, this is a really big task and I feel like if I find any posts that should be removed they will be my better posts.

First off, I declare the current plan, "Plan C". The 'C' is for crazy. Secondly I see that I'm repeating myself.

Everything I have said recently I said before. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel like I'm being judged, and those doing it are very rude about it. I'm not sure what to do about it, and the possible options seem crazy. All I can say for certain is that the current situation is unhealthy for me and it needs to stop immediately.

But will my parents listen...
-X

Still crazy

I mentioned a crazy plan the other day. It's still too crazy to talk about, but I'm becoming more comfortable about it. I call it a "crazy plan" because, well, no one in their right mind would even think of doing it. The thing is that it's a decision I can make. The more I think about it the more I realize that I have to make this decision.

I can't remember the last time I've made a decision. I make little ones, like what I'm going to eat, but even those are under pressure right now. That's part of the crazy - this isn't a little decision, this will change the course of my life.

If you have read any of my posts, you know that I know care much for my current life. It needs a course change. Some people forget that on the road of life you are the driver and you can always change course. Right now I know exactly where I'm headed, and many people would just live with it and say that's how things have to be.

I can't. I honestly can't. I've been stressing out so much about how I can't get a job I was having trouble sleeping. Now that's I've resolved to make this decision I'm... serene. I have a purpose.

You don't know how amazing it feels to wake up in the morning and have something to do, something that doesn't involve staring at your computer hoping that it's going to tell you that the perfect job is available to reject you.

When you've been unemployed as long as I have been you have trouble getting to sleep, then can't wake up. You feel guilty because you are failing at a simple task in life. You can't remember the days of the week and each time a Friday comes around you look back and realize that you did nothing last week. Okay, you sent out that one resume, that no one will look at, that no one will consider. You tell yourself that you need to check the boards again, because it's Friday and you haven't checked since Tuesday. One new posting. You don't qualify, It's not even in your area of interest really, but you wish you could apply, just to make you feel better. You check other job boards, ones that rarely have updates. They don't have anything either. You Google search and you've clicked all of the links already. You try again with the same result.

Then you cry yourself to sleep, if you're lucky. If you aren't you start to look at your future and where it's headed, a dead end. You can't get to sleep and you start to think "I would do anything just to be able to sleep" and if you're lucky, you scare yourself and you change your course. Veer around and turn in the middle of the road. It doesn't matter if you disturb others - this is about you. This is about the cliff you're dangerously near, it's about the dead end you see in sight.

I'm desperate. I have to do this.
-X

Questionable time usage.

I spent the better part of the last three days reading Questionable Content and before that I was reading Sorcery 101. There are so many things I should have been doing instead.

I have a list on my desktop now. It's very distracting if I ever close the internet browser. Actually I'm really annoyed at myself because I made the list three days ago and I had to put really stupid stuff on it to be able to check things off. As it is I'm not putting "Read shit-ton of books you brought" because I'll do that without being reminded, though they are taking up a lot of space around my bed.

Yeah, I've been lazy.

My list mostly has real things on it, like "Look for a job" implying local retail type deal, but as I check I have flashbacks to a couple of months ago when I was testing the waters - it sucked then too. I thought I was in a little unemployment bubble that I created myself, little did I know that it really is this bad of a job market. Maybe a year ago I could have found some part-time thing, but today I'm suddenly not very sure. Not that I've tried very hard.

Just thinking about it makes me realize that what I've feared has come true. I'm comfortable. You would fucking laugh you you saw my room and heard my say that I'm comfortable.

Actually I'm very uncomfortable. I'm stuck in the worst situation you can imagine. Trapped without money or anyway to escape my parent's house. I haven't even had twelve hours truly alone for the last ten months. I was updating the countdowns on my other site and saw that it only four and a half months until my birthday. First I was like "cool, it's almost my birthday," then I was like "Shit I just wasted an entire fucking year!"

I'm stuck in a rut and I feel like well meaning people have let me sink deeper. I feel like part of it is my fault, but I'm getting less sure of myself as the days go by.
-X

Bad anniversary

One year ago yesterday I graduated. I'm still unemployed and living at home. To say that I'm not comfortable with this situation is an understatement. I've not lost significant weight, though I have started exercising and my wrist is as fixed as it's going to get.

I'm trying to not get depressed.

I have a plan prepared for this eventuality even though I don't like it. In fact I hate it. Go back to retail.

When I think of going back to retail I think of a friend of mine that I worked with a few summers ago. She graduated in December, when theatre are not really hiring. She couldn't go to the theatre conventions because she didn't have the money, so she ended up waitressing for a year and a half after getting her degree. She was comfortable and was making decent money after working that long.

I've said it before, I don't want that. But even as I say that I have gotten comfortable, especially during the winter when no one wants to go outside. My life for the past year has been easy, too easy. I run through books like nobodies business, I go to movies often, I eat free food. I travel to several places for free (none of the places I'd like to go and look for jobs, god forbid I get to go there!), but in the end there is guilt. I'm not giving back to society and I looks at my long term goals and I find myself lagging far behind.

I look back now and think that I should have gotten a job months ago, but it's looking back. I call it optimism. I refused to believe that I was going to be unemployed after looking for three months. I refused to believe that I would still be living in my parent's house for more than three months. I keep hoping that the resume I sent out last week will be the one that lands me a job. I couldn't commit to another job, because another job, closer to my dream job might be out there. I think my parent's are more understanding now then they were, but the one thing that really cheers me up is when I talk to someone my age having the same trouble. I don't have any friends, it stopped hurting to say that years ago, so I don't have someone to talk to about this, or even someone I can talk to. I hid in my room for days because I can't take the conversations my parent's have. I written some of them before, same conversation a dozen times to people who have already heard it.

I cheer myself up though. There are things that I've done that I couldn't have done if I had been working. Last November I wrote the first draft of a novel. It needs heavy editing, but I wrote over 50,000 words. Did I mention that I failed high school writing? I wrote a second one, a longer one, the beginning of this year and in April I wrote a screenplay. I want to write another and I want to edit my first. I never thought I would actually want to edit my first novel, it's just so bad at points.

It proved to me that I can do things that I set my mind to and I've set my mind to something and I will get it. I still believe that my parents are being over protective of me. I debate talking about it to them, but will they answer differently now?
-X

Now for a happy post

My last several posts were a bit sad. I need to do something happier.

I won Script Frenzy. I'm at 103 pages. Okay 102, the extra is my title page and I need to get an ending. Technically, I don't need that to end the month, but it's a little cooler to say that I finished a script, not that I wrote one hundred pages of a one hundred ten page script.

The job that I applied for nearly a month and a half ago informed all applicants that we would hear from them by the first week of May instead of the third week of April. So instead of my hopes being dashed, I'm being strung along for a couple more weeks. I'm really apathetic about it right now, I don't know if that will change as the deadline gets closer. This job is the last opportunity I will have to get into theatre for at least a year, unless I do really well in the retail sector.

My expenses are at the teetering edge of dangerous, I have enough money for my next month of credit card payments, in which I'm paying one hundred dollars for twelve months during promotional APR, but after that I'll have about enough for one last month and I'll have to do some kind of work in that time. Even if I get the job I really will need to move out there immediately and try to get some expenses taken care of with some type of job. The six hundred left on my one credit card isn't much of a problem, the greater problems are my car which takes sixty dollars to fill up, if I'm lucky, not to mention repairs which it occasionally needs, being an almost twenty year old car. My computer is funky. It's not dead, but it's a computer and they rarely warn you when they are planning on heading out. I would love to get on top of that and order a new one (desktop for easy repairs) and keep a functioning laptop as a spare. So yeah, some money would be nice. We won't even get into the discretionary spending I would like to be doing.

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself for not spending that much money that last couple of months. I wasn't perfect, I bought some clothes and books with my own money (silly me). The clothes are silly because they don't fit me. I want them for when they do. It will be am instant reward. Or it's crap to be stuck in my closet forever.

Okay now for randomness.
-X

Levi's Slim Straight 514 Jeans 34x32
Chocolate Bar Variety Pack - 30 ct
Dell Alienware Aurora Desktop
The Complete Book of Scriptwriting

I'm getting depressed.

I still haven't heard back from that theatre and every day it becomes less likely that they will call me for an interview. I don't really know why. I admit I'm not the best at what I do, but you're not going to get the best for most of these jobs.

I'm thinking back to my previous post and really wishing that I could get my chance. I want to fuck up. I'm so tired of being unemployed, and it's getting to the point where I might not be able to find part-time work. Did you know that unemployment is actually nearing Great Depression era levels? Not the number you hear on the news, the real number, which is calculated differently. Like whether or not you count part-time workers.

My student loans can be deferred as long as my employment isn't full-time. That's defined as 30 hours a week, for three months. Most jobs won't offer you that immediately. I remember in December how my paychecks kept being so low, it felt like all of my work was for nothing, but what it really was, was that my schedule was screwed up a couple of times. I got one "full" paycheck. It was awesome to have some money. I'm almost out of it.

The first thing I spent it on was Christmas presents. Yeah, I only had money coming in for that month, and I bought presents for people. I'm silly like that. I'm looking at my online banking right now, and 20% of my expenses this month is my $10 donation to Screnzy. I'm overly generous.

So as I type this I'm trying to put together a traditional resume. I don't like traditional resumes because theatre experience doesn't translate well into it. I have a decent theatre resume (available upon request) that fills a page out nicely, but you can't really count everything separately on a traditional resume. I was having a discussion with my aunt and uncle about this last year. They didn't believe me when I said how you format a theatre resume.

You don't have an objective on a theatre resume. You don't have a summary. I was looking for examples last year after that discussion and my favorite was one that listed at least one hundred shows in size 8 font and had the USA829 stamp on it, because that was it needed. It said "I've done many shows and I'm in the union. I'm qualified". I have to be a bit more specific, but all theatre resumes follow that tone.

I'm just so tired of worrying about if I can find a job. It saps my strength and it ruins my enjoyment of other things.

My eyes hurt. I should sleep.

Are they allergies?

Or tears...

Better.

Hey, look! I fixed the logo so that it doesn't look stupid. Now the ads stand out too much. Shit.

I've been busy, surprisingly. I haven't even been doing anything. It's kind of cool, in a sad way, that you can do that. I'm waiting anxiously for a response from one of the places that I applied to. I really, really, really want that job. I've already decided that if I don't get it (and to leave myself an out "there are no similar opportunities available") I'm going to take some dinky retail job. I don't want to, I might not even be able to, but I have a great need of money. Couple months and I'll be able to move out, whether or not that is a good or bad thing.

Outside of that, I'm driving for pleasure, because it's better than being cooped up in the house all day long and considering how much time I spend in my house it's amazing that I haven't gone mad. I have that spring urge to go outside and I succumb to that urge at least every other day. Plenty of things I need to do on my computer or in my room, but I don't feel like it. Also, I broke down and did some of it last night.

I'm still exercising, but I'm taking a break from two hundred sit-ups. My body isn't able to repair and/or expand that fast, and I'm not sure how healthy the program really is. At some point you just start hurting yourself through over exercise.

Also going strong on Screnzy. It seems easier than novelling, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I do miss description a bit.

I'm going to sleep proper like tonight.

I feel better

I feel much better.

The first day is always the worst and I always forget that I have to take Allegra, not Zyrtec.

So I have applications in and nearly have a heart attack every time I check my email, because I expect to see a response. Otherwise though I have been very bad. I've been playing games and writing and, finally, my mother is starting to get her 'tude again.

I looked over local jobs again, because if I don't get what I want I will have to go to retail temporarily, but there wasn't much. At this point I just want out of my parents house more than anything. I know I've bitched about living here before, but I'm going to add some things. One day back in either December, when I was working at a toy store and had to get up early, or January, when I was having some doctors appointments, I woke up and went downstairs and started to make myself something to eat before I left.

I pace, including when I'm trying to make food, and it gets worst the hungrier I am, but there are two things that prevent me from pacing. People cause me to pace less, and having somewhere to go makes me stop completely. If I'm not busy, I can draw out a meal for an hour and a half. If there is someone in the kitchen and I have to be somewhere, I'm done preparing and eating in ten minutes. My mother doesn't like people disrupting her routine in the morning, and apparently I was a disruption - because I needed to walk pass her to get the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator.

This just proved to me that I shouldn't get up before she leaves, because she be bitching about me being in the way, whether or not I am. Can I be blamed for not feeling welcome around here.

Oh, I think I'll also mention that I am not the stupidest person in the world. My brother actually dared to say something about our parent's smoking. They occasionally say things like "don't ever start", but they are without remorse about any effect their smoke has on other people and I thought that we all knew that they were very sensitive about the subject. Hell, they actually talked about it afterward, they never do that.

Well, I meant to publish this last night so... oh well.
-X

I shouldn't be wasting time right now

I really shouldn't be wasting time right now.

I just paid a bill. I don't have many of those, but it did make me look at my finances. I really haven't been thinking about any of this crap for a while. Just kind of living the dream, writing a novel, reading, watching movies.

But this week the weather has been all nice, like winter is over or something. That means that all the fucking crap I had to do last year I'll have to do again. Yeah, I'm talking about yard work. I'm not a fan, particularly when people don't ask me nicely. So I have to get out of this house this summer.

I remembered something on my loan deferment about March. For some reason the six month deferment ends in March. I'm going to call them and make sure what date I have to list on it to extend it. Anyway it says that I have to make at least six attempts to find full-time employment (that's important, unemployment deferment for student loans is based on lack of full-time employment. My mother pointed out that she doesn't work full-time by their definition.) and that I can count only four, and one of them could be construed as a college application, not employment.

So off to my job boards I go.

Now this is sad, I looked at a job that requires twenty hours a week and will only pay $150 plus housing and I'm going to apply for it. I'm getting pretty desperate. I know, you are thinking "about time" aren't you? Need I point out that you cannot live on that much a week? I think they feed me some, but I worked at a place that paid some people that much and did not feed them.

So I already am committed to three more applications to send out, and wait there is more! I need to finish my novel by the end of the month and prepare for Script Frenzy. I haven't even written today yet, which is why I shouldn't be writing this.

If I do find some time, or just want to procrastinate, I'll write a review of Shutter Island. If I don't, just go see it.
-X

Writing and Exercises

I haven't been posting in week or so because I've suddenly been back logged. It's really weird how it happens, but it seems like time just escapes from your grasp.

I suddenly realized that the first deadline for applications was coming up on Monday and I needed to get the recommendation letters for it and once I had confirmation of them I needed to send in the application itself. That was fun.

As I mentioned before I started to do the two hundred sit ups again and I'm keeping up by giving myself two days of rest instead of one for the first week. Tonight more exercising. I also started playing with free weights. I used one of my physical therapy exercises as an excuse to buy a 5 lb free weight and I started using it to rebuild my arm muscles. I do the same exercises with my left arm as a sort of constant, and my right arm is just really bad and I hope to have improvement when I do it today.

I hope that it is because of that that I haven't reached my goal of 200 lb by the end of February. I started to make some progress, then fell back. I was overeating again too. I do consider maintaining weight a positive note during this. How bad would I be if I wasn't paying attention? Anyway, I have notice a shift in my fat, the muscle aches are lessening, and my pants are fitting better.

Lastly my writing has been going great. I'm still behind, but I have a plan to catch up and have been having great story ideas. Reading Percy Jackson and the Dresden Files most likely helped.

Just a short update because I haven't been around.
-X

Take that Day seven thousand seven hundred eighty four!

Another day gone and done with. And what a fun and exciting day. I actually went to the doctor for my wrist and was diagnosed with tendonitis. So I'm typing with a brace on, and my wrist hurt's even more because she moved to diagnose and she shot it full of cortisone.

I got to watch Scott Brown win the Massachusetts election.

I discovered a third internship type job to apply for and tomorrow I'm going to request several recommendation letter for them and hopefully write essays for them which I wisely chose not to do tonight (it's really hurting to type this).

I really wish I could write more, but I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow and I should sleep if I actually want to wake up for it.
-X

Am I allowed to be bored?

When you don't have a job and have very little money it feels wrong to be bored. Winter has a lot to do with it too. You get that bedsore feeling, like all you've done all day is lay around. Remember now that I don't have a desk or table to work at so I look for employment laying down. I also watch Hulu laying down, read books, play computer games... and my mother wonders why I eat standing up.

It not some type of specific thing I want to do. I think about a lot of the things I normally like to do, driving, walking around stores, playing games, seeing movies, but none of them are striking me as what I feel like doing. I don't like shopping without money and it sucks even more since I don't have a place to put anything. I brought useful boxes to put things in the other day, but what I really need is like a organization center, like an entertainment center, but you put crap in it instead of a television. Of course I don't have room for that.

To give you an idea of what I'm working with my room is in a constant state of flux. The static items that were here before I returned were a twin bed with a sinking spot, a tall bookcase where in anything I removed to bring to school were replaced with shit, an uncomfortable chair, a bedside table that was until last week full of crap, and a dresser full of a small fraction of the crap a fifty-six year old woman with three grown kids accumulates. She offered to empty, but I don't want to get comfortable and I want her to thrown the crap out, not move it into some other room. She's starting to remind me of her mother with the "always need to clean and thrown things out" problem.

Anyway, that stuff fits in fairly well - until someone tries to live in the room. I noticed that there really wasn't anywhere to put my suitcase when I visited. It now sits next to the bedside table zippered up in case I need to use it. My father would put it in the rafters I'm sure. Next to that is a very large box that carried the rest of my summer clothes and a couple other things. It still sits there as a place to put clothes that don't quite fit me at the moment and to hold most of my t-shirts that are a bit impractical in the winter. Next to that is the bookcase - the lower two sections are inaccessible because of the box, the top shelf became home to everything I left and my mother added. The middle shelves have things I bought while back, like books, and a couple of art pieces I own, not to mention cologne, contacts, etc.

On the floor next to that I have a box of paper for art. I'm getting the urge again and this time it's right here. I also consider it one of the things that need to be inside so it doesn't get destroyed. My almost brand new printer is in the unheated garage which makes me cry a little. Getting back to my floor, I also have my large artbox, which is about the size of a case of water from Walmart, which cannot be outside as well as computer discs and music. My eighteen inch tall Christmas tree is in here too right now as is my Tupperware of ornaments. I have a rubbermaid drawer dealie that I use as a dresser for underwear, socks and undershirts. Everything else is folded on top of the dresser in plain view. Couple boardgames that got brought in and never sent back out and my "medical" box - band-aids, soap, theatrical makeup. Finally eBay boxes and last but not least two laundry baskets, one for underwear and one for everything else. If I don't do my laundry every week the baskets overflow and make my room nearly unlivable. For one day a week I feel like my room is a little clean, but it's like doing a quick wipe down your bathroom when you know it need a overhaul. My room hasn't been vacuumed in six months.

And this is what I have to live with on a daily basis. I can't breathe in the rest of the house, or in my room if I leave the door open. I tire of my parents conversation. I refused the other day to engage my mother's attempt to make an amazing story over how she prepared dinner when my father was out of town. This isn't a feel sorry for my mother thing, I was in the kitchen when she did it, and the answer when my father asks is usually redundant ("This looks sautéed," "Why yes it was!").

That was cathartic.
-X

Routine

So I'm back to my old routine. I killed a month working and have a little bit of money, but I've already gotten past the point where I feel like I can spend any of it. I'm looking for more work. Maybe some more retail to save to move. I made just over $1100 after taxes and I plan to file as soon as W2s show up. It is a great thing to be poor around tax season. I should get a couple hundred back. That's a couple hundred closer to moving out.

I feel ashamed. I haven't practiced drawing or rendering or model building, but I have nowhere to put things. My mother left all of the ornaments from the Christmas tree lying all over the living room, but I know I would never be allowed to do that. I have one other excuse, my wrist now hurts when I write. Remember, I'm not in grammer school anymore, the most writing I do by hand is a shopping list. Yeah, writing ten words hurts. A lot.

I have an appointment to fix it in a week, or at least an appointment to find out what's wrong with it, then get another appointment to fix it. Meanwhile, I started looking up images of the human wrist online (hint: look for the Gray's Anatomy ones) and have another possible diagnosis. This one more likely then the rest. Whatever good that is.

Until I've gotten the wrist thing figured out I'm being a little careful about jobs. Most theatre jobs I look at require you to lift fifty pounds easily. I can't actually do that right now, or I can, it just hurts a lot.

Well time for me to sleep. Trying to keep a schedule. Like that ever works.
-X