I feel much better.
The first day is always the worst and I always forget that I have to take Allegra, not Zyrtec.
So I have applications in and nearly have a heart attack every time I check my email, because I expect to see a response. Otherwise though I have been very bad. I've been playing games and writing and, finally, my mother is starting to get her 'tude again.
I looked over local jobs again, because if I don't get what I want I will have to go to retail temporarily, but there wasn't much. At this point I just want out of my parents house more than anything. I know I've bitched about living here before, but I'm going to add some things. One day back in either December, when I was working at a toy store and had to get up early, or January, when I was having some doctors appointments, I woke up and went downstairs and started to make myself something to eat before I left.
I pace, including when I'm trying to make food, and it gets worst the hungrier I am, but there are two things that prevent me from pacing. People cause me to pace less, and having somewhere to go makes me stop completely. If I'm not busy, I can draw out a meal for an hour and a half. If there is someone in the kitchen and I have to be somewhere, I'm done preparing and eating in ten minutes. My mother doesn't like people disrupting her routine in the morning, and apparently I was a disruption - because I needed to walk pass her to get the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator.
This just proved to me that I shouldn't get up before she leaves, because she be bitching about me being in the way, whether or not I am. Can I be blamed for not feeling welcome around here.
Oh, I think I'll also mention that I am not the stupidest person in the world. My brother actually dared to say something about our parent's smoking. They occasionally say things like "don't ever start", but they are without remorse about any effect their smoke has on other people and I thought that we all knew that they were very sensitive about the subject. Hell, they actually talked about it afterward, they never do that.
Well, I meant to publish this last night so... oh well.
-X
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Not the One Year Post I was expecting
One year ago today I wrote my first post on this blog. I was much happier and more optimistic last year. I was about to go to the second of two conferences and get a job. I was about to graduate. Everything was going to be great.
I didn't get a job. I had several posts where I muttered about the amount I paid to go and the fact that there were no jobs. Then I got the flu and missed out on the rest of that conference. I'm still paying my credit card bill for that week.
I'm now filling out applications I could have filled out last year, but did not because I thought I wouldn't need to. I had my plan, which was rejected by my parents. My just talked with my brother and he gave me a bit of an inspirational speech about following your dreams. He said that the first step is scary, but it's worth it in the end. My parents wouldn't let me take that step. I've always thought that if I was to win an award, I would not thank my parents.
My parents aren't the type of parents that cause their children to win awards. They are the definition of parents. They will love us, no matter what, even if they can't say it, even if they can't look at us right now, they love us. Too many people, don't get that, and I am thankful for that, but to make your child win an award you need to do more than that. For them to be thanked, they need to be someone that steadies you as you get closer. They need to be the people who tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to and they have to make sacrifices, just as you do to, to help you get that award.
Child actors in film need to have a parent present for everything they do. Every filming, screening, photo shoot, the parent needs to be there to make sure that the child is being properly cared for. My parents would not do that. They did convince my elementary school that I wasn't retarded, but looking back on that, even they admit that being in that school wasn't the best place for me. They could have done more - it would have been a stretch, but they could have done more.
My parents never suggested that I learn an instrument. They never encouraged me to take up karate. They never made me do swim team. They never taught me to ride a bike (one of my brothers taught himself - they said that we didn't want to be taught and that we would "yell at them").
I know that my plan was missing a little something, but sometimes you really need to fuck up to figure yourself out. Look up the wikipedia entry for People Born in 1987. These people are my age and most of them, if not all had parents who went above and beyond the call of parenthood. You can't wake up one day and become an Olympian, or a good actor, or a famous musician, you only get the chance if your parents believe in you and are willing to take the time, and possibly the expense of letting you try new things.
Maybe this year I'll fuck up.
-X
I didn't get a job. I had several posts where I muttered about the amount I paid to go and the fact that there were no jobs. Then I got the flu and missed out on the rest of that conference. I'm still paying my credit card bill for that week.
I'm now filling out applications I could have filled out last year, but did not because I thought I wouldn't need to. I had my plan, which was rejected by my parents. My just talked with my brother and he gave me a bit of an inspirational speech about following your dreams. He said that the first step is scary, but it's worth it in the end. My parents wouldn't let me take that step. I've always thought that if I was to win an award, I would not thank my parents.
My parents aren't the type of parents that cause their children to win awards. They are the definition of parents. They will love us, no matter what, even if they can't say it, even if they can't look at us right now, they love us. Too many people, don't get that, and I am thankful for that, but to make your child win an award you need to do more than that. For them to be thanked, they need to be someone that steadies you as you get closer. They need to be the people who tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to and they have to make sacrifices, just as you do to, to help you get that award.
Child actors in film need to have a parent present for everything they do. Every filming, screening, photo shoot, the parent needs to be there to make sure that the child is being properly cared for. My parents would not do that. They did convince my elementary school that I wasn't retarded, but looking back on that, even they admit that being in that school wasn't the best place for me. They could have done more - it would have been a stretch, but they could have done more.
My parents never suggested that I learn an instrument. They never encouraged me to take up karate. They never made me do swim team. They never taught me to ride a bike (one of my brothers taught himself - they said that we didn't want to be taught and that we would "yell at them").
I know that my plan was missing a little something, but sometimes you really need to fuck up to figure yourself out. Look up the wikipedia entry for People Born in 1987. These people are my age and most of them, if not all had parents who went above and beyond the call of parenthood. You can't wake up one day and become an Olympian, or a good actor, or a famous musician, you only get the chance if your parents believe in you and are willing to take the time, and possibly the expense of letting you try new things.
Maybe this year I'll fuck up.
-X
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Am I allowed to be bored?
When you don't have a job and have very little money it feels wrong to be bored. Winter has a lot to do with it too. You get that bedsore feeling, like all you've done all day is lay around. Remember now that I don't have a desk or table to work at so I look for employment laying down. I also watch Hulu laying down, read books
, play computer games... and my mother wonders why I eat standing up.
It not some type of specific thing I want to do. I think about a lot of the things I normally like to do, driving, walking around stores, playing games, seeing movies, but none of them are striking me as what I feel like doing. I don't like shopping without money and it sucks even more since I don't have a place to put anything. I brought useful boxes to put things in the other day, but what I really need is like a organization center, like an entertainment center, but you put crap in it instead of a television. Of course I don't have room for that.
To give you an idea of what I'm working with my room is in a constant state of flux. The static items that were here before I returned were a twin bed with a sinking spot, a tall bookcase where in anything I removed to bring to school were replaced with shit, an uncomfortable chair, a bedside table that was until last week full of crap, and a dresser full of a small fraction of the crap a fifty-six year old woman with three grown kids accumulates. She offered to empty, but I don't want to get comfortable and I want her to thrown the crap out, not move it into some other room. She's starting to remind me of her mother with the "always need to clean and thrown things out" problem.
Anyway, that stuff fits in fairly well - until someone tries to live in the room. I noticed that there really wasn't anywhere to put my suitcase when I visited. It now sits next to the bedside table zippered up in case I need to use it. My father would put it in the rafters I'm sure. Next to that is a very large box that carried the rest of my summer clothes and a couple other things. It still sits there as a place to put clothes that don't quite fit me at the moment and to hold most of my t-shirts that are a bit impractical in the winter. Next to that is the bookcase - the lower two sections are inaccessible because of the box, the top shelf became home to everything I left and my mother added. The middle shelves have things I bought while back, like books, and a couple of art pieces I own, not to mention cologne
, contacts, etc.
On the floor next to that I have a box of paper for art. I'm getting the urge again and this time it's right here. I also consider it one of the things that need to be inside so it doesn't get destroyed. My almost brand new printer is in the unheated garage which makes me cry a little. Getting back to my floor, I also have my large artbox, which is about the size of a case of water from Walmart, which cannot be outside as well as computer discs and music. My eighteen inch tall Christmas tree is in here too right now as is my Tupperware of ornaments. I have a rubbermaid drawer dealie that I use as a dresser for underwear, socks and undershirts. Everything else is folded on top of the dresser in plain view. Couple boardgames that got brought in and never sent back out and my "medical" box - band-aids, soap, theatrical makeup. Finally eBay boxes and last but not least two laundry baskets, one for underwear and one for everything else. If I don't do my laundry every week the baskets overflow and make my room nearly unlivable. For one day a week I feel like my room is a little clean, but it's like doing a quick wipe down your bathroom when you know it need a overhaul. My room hasn't been vacuumed in six months.
And this is what I have to live with on a daily basis. I can't breathe in the rest of the house, or in my room if I leave the door open. I tire of my parents conversation. I refused the other day to engage my mother's attempt to make an amazing story over how she prepared dinner when my father was out of town. This isn't a feel sorry for my mother thing, I was in the kitchen when she did it, and the answer when my father asks is usually redundant ("This looks sautéed," "Why yes it was!").
That was cathartic.
-X
, play computer games... and my mother wonders why I eat standing up.It not some type of specific thing I want to do. I think about a lot of the things I normally like to do, driving, walking around stores, playing games, seeing movies, but none of them are striking me as what I feel like doing. I don't like shopping without money and it sucks even more since I don't have a place to put anything. I brought useful boxes to put things in the other day, but what I really need is like a organization center, like an entertainment center, but you put crap in it instead of a television. Of course I don't have room for that.
To give you an idea of what I'm working with my room is in a constant state of flux. The static items that were here before I returned were a twin bed with a sinking spot, a tall bookcase where in anything I removed to bring to school were replaced with shit, an uncomfortable chair, a bedside table that was until last week full of crap, and a dresser full of a small fraction of the crap a fifty-six year old woman with three grown kids accumulates. She offered to empty, but I don't want to get comfortable and I want her to thrown the crap out, not move it into some other room. She's starting to remind me of her mother with the "always need to clean and thrown things out" problem.
Anyway, that stuff fits in fairly well - until someone tries to live in the room. I noticed that there really wasn't anywhere to put my suitcase when I visited. It now sits next to the bedside table zippered up in case I need to use it. My father would put it in the rafters I'm sure. Next to that is a very large box that carried the rest of my summer clothes and a couple other things. It still sits there as a place to put clothes that don't quite fit me at the moment and to hold most of my t-shirts that are a bit impractical in the winter. Next to that is the bookcase - the lower two sections are inaccessible because of the box, the top shelf became home to everything I left and my mother added. The middle shelves have things I bought while back, like books, and a couple of art pieces I own, not to mention cologne
, contacts, etc.On the floor next to that I have a box of paper for art. I'm getting the urge again and this time it's right here. I also consider it one of the things that need to be inside so it doesn't get destroyed. My almost brand new printer is in the unheated garage which makes me cry a little. Getting back to my floor, I also have my large artbox, which is about the size of a case of water from Walmart, which cannot be outside as well as computer discs and music. My eighteen inch tall Christmas tree is in here too right now as is my Tupperware of ornaments. I have a rubbermaid drawer dealie that I use as a dresser for underwear, socks and undershirts. Everything else is folded on top of the dresser in plain view. Couple boardgames that got brought in and never sent back out and my "medical" box - band-aids, soap, theatrical makeup. Finally eBay boxes and last but not least two laundry baskets, one for underwear and one for everything else. If I don't do my laundry every week the baskets overflow and make my room nearly unlivable. For one day a week I feel like my room is a little clean, but it's like doing a quick wipe down your bathroom when you know it need a overhaul. My room hasn't been vacuumed in six months.
And this is what I have to live with on a daily basis. I can't breathe in the rest of the house, or in my room if I leave the door open. I tire of my parents conversation. I refused the other day to engage my mother's attempt to make an amazing story over how she prepared dinner when my father was out of town. This isn't a feel sorry for my mother thing, I was in the kitchen when she did it, and the answer when my father asks is usually redundant ("This looks sautéed," "Why yes it was!").
That was cathartic.
-X
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Painful Decisions
Once again I am contemplating my plan(s).
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I want to move but I have no money. I don't even care what job I get when I get their. I would just be able to function.
- I don't want to hear my mother rant about how someone has pissed her off again.
- I would like to be able to sit downstairs without breathing cigarette smoke
- and be able to leave the door to my room open with it smelling like smoke.
- I would like to be able to do anything without my parents making a big deal about it
- which hasn't really been a problem
- then again, I've been locking myself in my room to prevent this
- I would like not to be judged whenever I do anything or say anything
- I would like to be myself.
What am I to do?
-X
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Irritation
My mother started on at a family event criticizing my lack of a job. I'm busy attending my cousin's wedding, that makes it kind of hard to find a job. But no she has to inform everyone that I'm unemployed and don't have any money, not that anyone thought I had any money.
So now I'm lying in a hotel looking at job sites. Not finding much. I'm just really sick of her attitude. What reason should I be taking advice from a professional secretary? Yes, she thirty-three years older than me, but she dropped out of college to get married and it took her two decades to get a job that pays as much as most of the jobs I'm looking at applying for.
Hell, I don't want to live in her house. I would move tomorrow if I could but she won't let me.
-X
So now I'm lying in a hotel looking at job sites. Not finding much. I'm just really sick of her attitude. What reason should I be taking advice from a professional secretary? Yes, she thirty-three years older than me, but she dropped out of college to get married and it took her two decades to get a job that pays as much as most of the jobs I'm looking at applying for.
Hell, I don't want to live in her house. I would move tomorrow if I could but she won't let me.
-X
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Home, For Now
Well I'm at home. I officially had a lot more crap than my brother's did when they moved back from college. The trailer we rented was almost too small to fit it all. Then on the trip home I ditched my parents, who were pulling the trailer and beat them home by a half an hour.
The last couple of days haven't been too bad, other than the sad agreement that we are all fat and pictures of us will be taken in a month at my brother's wedding. I gained weight during my two months of unemployment and was at highest I've been in four years. It's already going as I tend, for some reason to be more active when I'm by myself. Also my mother is doing South Beach and my father is doing a lite Atkins so the food here is a little bit healthier.
Though I need to pause that thought to complain about the "low fat" Velveeta macaroni and cheese. It sucks.
As I was saying they are dieting and my mother and I are attempting to go on walks everyday. This week I need to be fitted for a tux as I am playing the role of a usher. We have to get fit somewhere local and send the measurements to Michigan where we are actually renting the tuxes from, my brother of course did not choose a chain store so it's going to be a bit awkward.
I'm still planning to find a job in a major "not DC area" city. I just need to convince my parents that the idea isn't completely stupid and that it will go much better if they assist me.
And if they don't. I'll do it anyway.
-X
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Viva la Resistance!
Image by Newsphoto Amsterdam via FlickrDid I mention I'm allergic to it too? And it's drafty, rickety. It just isn't my home. I'm not sure if I've ever felt like it was my home and I lived there for seventeen years.
Clearly, I need to revolt.
I don't even know where I'm going to put all of my shit. It isn't big enough to hold my parents crap and I've gotten a lot more in the last couple of years.
Damn. My roommates are playing GURPS right now and if you've ever known people who play, you know that they do not have a volume control
And they only just started.
-X
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